交朋友英語(yǔ)爆笑笑話

　　Hello, six-year-old child.

　　你好，六歲毛孩。

　　Seeing as how fate has brought us together here, in the crowded coach section of this expensive airplane, I thought I should introduce myself.

　　命運(yùn)是多么奇妙，讓你我在此相遇。這架飛機(jī)很貴，普通艙人也很多，既然遇見(jiàn)你，我想我該介紹下我自己。

　　My name is Amy, and I’m an adult. I suspect that you’re too young to understand what “adult” means, so let me explain. It means that I’m taller than you, and smarter, and that I get to do lots of awesome things, like smoke cigarettes and ovulate. It also means that I like to take naps on airplanes and read my newspaper in silence. These things seem to be very different from the things that you like to do.

　　我的名字叫艾米，我是個(gè)成年人。你還太小，我估計(jì)你不會(huì)懂得“成年人”的意思，讓我告訴你吧。成年人的意思就是我比你高，比你聰明，而且我要做很多很棒的事情，比如抽煙，比如排卵。我還喜歡在飛機(jī)上打盹，看報(bào)紙也不發(fā)出聲音，這些也是成年人才做的事。這些事情你可能不會(huì)想做。

　　I’ve gleaned from its near-constant utterance by the woman sitting next to you—your mother, I suppose, or perhaps a social worker or a federal prisoner who’s being paid to spend time with you—that your name is Timmy. It’s probably Timothy, actually, but people call you Timmy because it’s cuter. Which is appropriate, Timmy, because you’re very cute, you really are. You’re really very fucking cute.

　　我剛才和我身邊的那個(gè)女人絮叨了一陣，知道你的名字叫提米。我想，那個(gè)女人是你媽吧，也許是個(gè)社會(huì)工作者，也許是個(gè)帶薪和你呆在一起的聯(lián)邦囚犯。也許是提莫斯吧，不過(guò)人們還是叫你提米，這個(gè)名字更可愛(ài)一點(diǎn)。哪個(gè)更合適呢，提米?因?yàn)槟愫芸蓯?ài)，你真的很可愛(ài)。你真他媽太可愛(ài)了。

　　I’m going to drink this cup of coffee—would you like some? I didn’t think so. You’re more of a juice-box man, from what I gather. The way I gather this is by looking at the stain on my ninety-eight-dollar pants, the one you made when you put your juice box there. If I touched your pants, Timmy, I would probably be sent to jail. There are lots of differences between you and me, but that’s one of the big ones: the quality and the seriousness of what happens when we touch other people’s pants.

　　我要喝這杯咖啡了，你要來(lái)點(diǎn)嗎?我可不這么認(rèn)為。從我收集到的信息來(lái)看，你會(huì)是個(gè)窮人。我怎么收集信息的呢，看你在我花了98美元買的褲子上弄的斑點(diǎn)就知道了，這個(gè)斑點(diǎn)是你放果汁盒時(shí)弄出來(lái)的。如果我也弄下你的褲子，我就得進(jìn)監(jiān)獄。我倆之間有很多不同，其中最大的不同就是：我們碰別人褲子時(shí)的性質(zhì)和嚴(yán)重性。

　　You’re not much of a sleeper, are you, Timmy? We’ve just met, but it seems to me like maybe you don’t really enjoy sleeping all that much. In fact, it seems to me that one of your greatest joys in life is wakefulness—and not simply passive wakefulness but the kind of vigorous wakefulness that makes a person like me start to question the very possibility of silence as a condition that can exist in the universe. I can see that I’ve confused you, Timmy, and I apologize; I was only trying to point out that you really seem to enjoy being awake. Let me make it up to you by giving you this modest dose of Ambien. It’s a kind of candy for your soul. Your soul is a kind of mouth that’s inside your brain.

　　你不貪睡，是吧，提米?我們剛遇見(jiàn)，在我看來(lái)，你并不真的很喜歡睡覺(jué)啊。實(shí)際上，你人生最大的樂(lè)趣之一就是醒著，不是簡(jiǎn)單地消極地醒著，而是充滿活力的醒著。你的這種活力讓像我這樣的人納悶，宇宙間還有個(gè)清凈地嗎?我知道，我讓你感到困惑。提米，我向你道歉。我只是想指出，你真地很享受醒著的感覺(jué)。給你這顆安必恩吧，吃不吃在你。這是一種為你靈魂準(zhǔn)備的糖果。靈魂就是一張嘴，它在你腦袋里。

　　Here comes the nice stewardess lady with a bag for collecting people’s garbage. Would you like me to give her some of the garbage that’s strewn all over your seat—and, if we’re being perfectly honest here, Timmy, all over my seat as well? And, while we’re at it, maybe I could give her this talking doll—the one that sings songs, very loud songs, songs of terrifying and ungodly volume, from that animated movie about adventurous insects. It’s not that I don’t love the doll; it’s just that I’m pretty sure it’s illegal for children to carry such things on airplanes. Have you heard of terrorism, Timothy? That’s why it’s illegal for you to have this doll.

　　有個(gè)漂亮乘務(wù)員姐姐過(guò)來(lái)了，她拿了個(gè)袋子，是來(lái)裝大家的垃圾的。你愿意讓我把你四處扔在自己座位上的.垃圾給些給她嗎?還有，如果咱倆都承認(rèn)的話，提米，我座位上也全是你扔的垃圾。還有，咱倆都說(shuō)到這了，也許我可以把你會(huì)說(shuō)話的娃娃也給她?那個(gè)娃娃會(huì)唱歌，唱得很大聲，唱很嚇人的歌，唱的聲音神都要驚醒，唱的歌還是來(lái)自講四處游蕩的害蟲(chóng)的動(dòng)畫(huà)電影。不是我不喜歡這個(gè)娃娃，只是因?yàn)槲液芸隙ㄐ『⒆訉⑦@樣的東西帶到飛機(jī)上來(lái)時(shí)違法的。你聽(tīng)說(shuō)過(guò)恐怖主義嗎，提莫斯?這就是為什么你帶這個(gè)玩具違法的原因。

　　Your whimpering and your dripping facial parts suggest that perhaps this conversation has run its course, so I’ll let you get back to your finger painting, your fidgeting, and your wanton, inexplicable shredding of the in-flight magazine. I’ll be here in my seat, fantasizing about hurtling my childless adult body out of the airplane and into the sky. Enjoy the rest of the flight, Timmy. I’ve really enjoyed sitting next to you. It’s fun to make new friends.

　　從你垂垂欲落淚，嗚咽如有聲的表情來(lái)看，咱們的談話該結(jié)束了。我會(huì)讓你回去繼續(xù)點(diǎn)點(diǎn)戳戳，繼續(xù)東動(dòng)西動(dòng)，繼續(xù)玩鬧，繼續(xù)撕機(jī)上雜志玩。我還會(huì)待在自己的座位上，幻想將自己這沒(méi)有小孩的成年人的身體沖出飛機(jī)，暢游天空。提米，享受接下來(lái)的飛行吧。坐在你身邊，我真的很喜歡。交新朋友真是有趣啊。

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