經(jīng)典英語(yǔ)短篇笑話集
All Right 沒(méi)關(guān)系
Hurrying my 11-year old daughter to school, I made a right turn at a red light when it was prohibited. Uh-oh, I said, realizing my mistake. I just make an illegal turn.I guess it's all right, my daughter replied, The police car behind us did the same thing.
我趕著開(kāi)車將11歲的女兒送到學(xué)校去，在紅燈處右拐了，而那是不允許的(譯注:在一些國(guó)家如英國(guó),其交通規(guī)則是車輛左行的,與我國(guó)相反)。啊噢，意識(shí)到犯了錯(cuò)誤，我說(shuō)。我剛才拐彎是違章的。我想那沒(méi)關(guān)系的，女兒回答說(shuō)：我們后面的警車也同樣拐了彎。
第一次開(kāi)出租車
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
The driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
乘客輕拍了一下出租車司機(jī)的肩膀，想問(wèn)個(gè)問(wèn)題。司機(jī)大叫起來(lái)，車也失去了控制，幾乎撞上一輛公車，還上了便道，在還差幾厘米就撞上商店櫥窗時(shí)終于停了下來(lái)。
司機(jī)說(shuō)：“伙計(jì)，別再這么干了。你把我嚇破膽了!”乘客抱歉地說(shuō)，“我沒(méi)想到拍你一下就嚇成這樣。” 司機(jī)說(shuō)：“對(duì)不起，也不全是你的錯(cuò)。今天是我第一天開(kāi)出租，以前25年里我一直開(kāi)殯葬車。”
摩西和耶穌
A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS Rottweiler "JESUS".
一個(gè)竊賊潛入一戶人家。他看到一個(gè)喜歡的CD機(jī)，他趕緊拿了。就在這個(gè)時(shí)候他聽(tīng)到有人說(shuō)：“耶穌正在看著你。”他照著手電看來(lái)看去，嘀咕著：“到底是什么人在說(shuō)話?”這時(shí)，他看到桌子上有些錢，他又拿了。。。那聲音又來(lái)了：“耶穌正在看著你。”他躲到一個(gè)角落，想找出是誰(shuí)在說(shuō)話。結(jié)果看到一只鸚鵡，于是他問(wèn)鸚鵡：“是你在說(shuō)話嗎?”鸚鵡承認(rèn)了。 小賊說(shuō)：“你叫什么名字?”“摩西”。小賊說(shuō)：“什么人給鳥(niǎo)取這種名字?”鸚鵡回答：“就是那個(gè)給他的`羅威那犬取名為‘耶穌’的那個(gè)人啊。”
Only One Eye to Settle On
The girl found the go-between and said, "You cheated me ! One of his eyes is not true. Why didn't you tell me this before ?"
"I have told you. " said the go-between with justice on his side, When you met first, I told you that he settled on you with one eye.
姑娘找到媒人，說(shuō)：“你欺騙了我。他的一只眼是假眼，你以前為什么不告訴我?” “怎么沒(méi)告訴你?”媒人也不甘示弱，“你們第一回見(jiàn)面后，我就說(shuō)，他一眼就看中你了。”
上帝是不聾，可奶奶聾呀!
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents'. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the younger one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the younger one replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
兩個(gè)小男孩在他們的祖父母家過(guò)夜。睡覺(jué)時(shí)間到了，這兩個(gè)小男孩跪在床上祈禱。弟弟用非常大的聲音祈禱著，“我祈求有一輛新自行車……我祈求有一個(gè)新游戲機(jī)……我祈求有一個(gè)新錄像機(jī)……”
他的哥哥用胳膊肘輕輕地碰了他一下，說(shuō)：“你為什么這么大聲地喊叫呢?上帝又不是聾子。”
弟弟聽(tīng)了回答道：“上帝是不聾，可奶奶聾呀!”
The Use of a Handsaw
At the mall, my wife and I picked up some hardware items, including a handsaw. We were heading back to the car when we passed a steakhouse.
Let's try it. " my wife suggested. Although I felt a little foolish carrying the saw, I followed her inside.
Scanning the menu, my wife told the waitress, " I' 11 have chopped sirloin, please.
The waitress turned to me, eyed my saw and commented, "And I see that. you, sir, have come for our T-bone special.
在集市上，我和妻子買了一些五金用品，包括一個(gè)手鋸。我們返回汽車時(shí)剛好路過(guò)一家牛排店。 “我們嘗嘗吧，”我妻子建議說(shuō)。盡管我覺(jué)得拿著鋸有點(diǎn)傻乎乎的，但還是隨她走了進(jìn)去。 我妻子掃視了一下菜單對(duì)女招待說(shuō)：“請(qǐng)給我來(lái)一份炒牛腰片。” 女招待轉(zhuǎn)向我，看了看我的鋸，說(shuō)道：“我能看出，先生，你是來(lái)吃我們的T形骨特色菜的。”
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